Fast eater, fast lover?

It was a quiet afternoon at the office and I was engaging in the only multitasking job I am good at: working while eating lunch. My colleague Mary noticed that after 45 minutes I was only half-way through my dish, although I was very productive in my other tasks.

"Seriously, how long does it take you to finish your food?" she asked 

"You know, slow eaters take their time in bed too!" answered a voice in my defense.

Both Mary and I turned in curiosity to see where that voice came from. It could not possibly be Pamela, our other colleague, talking dirty! Pamela was an adorable middle-aged, conservative mother of two well-mannered teenagers, a regular church follower and strong believer in family bonds and moral society. My experience has taught me that when it comes to conservative people Barney in How I met your mother can express it better: "Wait for it"! In other words, you have to be patient, but in the end you will hear an interesting kinky truth coming out of a quiet mouth.

But is it really true that table manners indicate our sex behavior? Popular magazines around the globe give advice on what positive traits to observe on dinner dates and which odd table manners can discourage a person from pursuing a serious relationship. According to their scripts, a tentative host who manages to keep up his eating pace of his invitee appears to be a good choice for a steady relationship, while a sloppy eater signals a rather shady option.

Popular scripts only express a fundamental discovery in the field of psychology, applied in the domain of relationships. Human brain tends to work in power saver mode, thus when it comes to making a decision or profiling a person it uses heuristic cues. This is a fancy word for shortcuts in the decision making process, based on commonly held beliefs. For example, when we are having dinner with a messy eater, we automatically assume that the same mess would appear in every other aspect of her life, including love life. Of course, it is always a matter of choice, whether we want that mess in the bedroom, as word from the streets indicates that sloppy eaters exhibit great creativity and boldness during sex.

Although there is no connection between eating style and sex, behavioral scientist Juliet Boghossian has dedicated her life's work in decoding personal behavior based on food habits. According to her research, fast eaters tend to be productive, but have a problem prioritizing other people's needs, whereas slow eaters most probably cherish every moment and care more for other people than themselves. Based on that, we can easily make inferences from the general behavior to more specialized one, like sexual habits, although science cannot fully support it.

The problem is that when it comes to human behavior neither science nor Cosmopolitan magazine can accurately predict it. There are always indicators of general behaviors, but keep in mind that outliers or deviations are not just numbers and noise to mathematical models. In reality, those outliers are distinct personalities that you may encounter and have a deep impact in your life.

Too much scientific jargon? Maybe. In real life we do not need that in abundance. Trust me, I am a scientist, I know. Thus, when you are on a date, stop over-analyzing your partner's eating behavior and just enjoy the moment, or at least enjoy your meal. If a fast eater fits into whatever model and is indeed a fast lover, you always have a choice to walk away, if that is not what you were looking for. No science and no relation advice column can explain those butterflies in your stomach, the  euphoria of meeting your loved one, the satisfaction of a well accomplished date. Always ask: what does your gut tell you? After all, the stomach is usually a reliable adviser.

Happy Valentines Day!